The Birthplace of Pointless Automotive Technology

Here at GGGP there is an opinion that technology has replaced good old, physics-based engineering, which we feel is a step in the wrong direction. Cars, like Americans, have become grossly overweight and, at least in the automotive industry, the silicon-based transistor has had to step in to compensate, making it all unnecessarily complex. Instead of using composite materials like carbon fiber reinforced plastic to lighten a car and lower its center of gravity to improve breaking, handling, and acceleration, it is instead applied to the dashboard trim of BMW M5s that now weigh two tons (600 pounds over the first generation model) and require ten-cylinder engines and a Drivelogic sequential gearbox with 11 settings to get it from 0-60 in 4.5 seconds (a mere two seconds quicker than the original M5 and only two tenths of a second quicker than the Alpina variant of that era) and, more importantly, to overcome Newton’s three laws of motion to keep it stuck on the road round corners.  

But the over-saturation of technology in cars goes beyond keeping fat things light on their feet, which you can at least argue has a purpose-consumers like to go fast and they like gigantic automobiles to transport their wide loads, and technology is the only way to really offer both safely. There’s built-in navigation, back-up cameras (because roof pillars are now too fat to see around with side-view mirrors), headrest-mounted DVD players, back-up chimes (that people never seem to take advice from), electronic steering, electronic brakes, and hybrid drives that are less efficient and no cleaner than diesels. My Mini has an air pressure tire sensor that randomly lights up. When I bought the car the dealer pointed it out and said, “This light will turn on arbitrarily. Ignore it as this feature doesn’t actually work. Your tires are fine.” Then he showed me the trick to reset it-a trick that is even published in the owner’s manual. If the technology doesn’t work, then why is it there? If it’s there because the law requires it to exist, but not work reliably, why don’t they just put a light bulb on the center console that is wired directly to the battery to make production easier…and reduce weight?  

So much to break and so expensive to repair. And so much of it isn’t really needed for driving. It’s not that I want the industry to take a step backwards, or that I think technology hasn’t improved many aspects of the automobile. Traction control and variable valve timing are very good things. And if I knew exactly what my ECU was up to all of the time I might think that the car is better for it. But I didn’t think it when it died after less than 5,000 miles on the odometer, causing every system in my Mini to fail. But the focus on applying technology to automobiles continues, in my opinion, to be applied in many of the wrong places. Cars are like mobile phones; manufacturers can do very little to improve your signal, so they distract you with functions like cameras and video players, which have nothing to do with making the actual telephone function better.  

Where did it all start, though? The 90’s wasn’t just a decade of sloppy fashion and socially conscious rock music. It was the decade when airbags became standard across the industry, traction control and anti-lock brakes started showing up on reasonably priced cars, seatbelts were automated (briefly), rear wheels turned with the front ones to narrow your turning radius, and ECUs began running the show. However, after exhaustive research (no foolin’), I found the 90’s wasn’t where it all began, but where it metastasized. In fact, I think it began in the mid 1970’s with a company called b+b, founded by Rainer Buchmann, which specialized in customizing Porsches. He also worked with Eberhard Schulz in developing the first incarnation of the epic Isdera Imperator, the b+b CW311.  

Buchmann Porsches were tricked out 911s, 930 Turbos, and 928s, many of which converted to t-tops. Yes! A notch-back 928 with a t-top. Sounds like science fiction? Well, it wasn’t. These cars included performance modifications, body kits, ultra-plush interiors (both metallic and pearlescent leather were available), gold-leafed instrumentation, heavy use of rainbow-colored stripes in both paint and fabrics, and the coolest wheels ever mounted to any automobile. They were also well-appointed with technology falling into two categories: gadgets to create the most comfortable and convenient environment available on the road and gadgets to create the most unsafe environment on the road. Comfort/convenience features included a CB radio, 16-way power seats, and…well, that’s about it. Technology features falling into the latter—more akin to today’s cars—included a dash-mounted television, integrated telephone (mounted on the t-bar in the 928, which required the removal of the rear view mirror), concealed champagne cooler, and a t-bar mounted Clarion stereo component system, requiring the driver to blindly reach over his head to operate. Apparently, the stereo was so powerful that if you turned the volume up all the way the headlights would flicker off, so when you got drunk and insisted on driving with the t-tops off and your favorite Ricthie Blackmore cassette cranked up in the middle of the night, karma didn’t have to work so hard at putting you in your place.  

Setting the stage for the future, Buchmann Porsches also came with “Dinfos”, or Digital Information System, the first electronic dashboard, which displayed through LEDs the car’s speed and RPMs, among other data. Designed by physicist Peter Roggendorf, Dinfos included microcomputer that calculated and stored average speed, fuel consumption, and mileage. It was the first trip computer and Buchmann, seeing the potential in the system, was adamant about it being available to the broader public. In fact, he even began installing them in Volkswagen Golfs, which demonstrates quite a bit of foresight. This guy was like DeLorean but without the addiction and market miscalculation. Looking back on b+b’s contribution to the automotive industry, it’s clear to me that this was the genesis for the heavy integration of unnecessary technology into automobiles. Although it did take some time to trickle down into mass production cars. If there are earlier examples, I couldn’t find them…nor do I want to hear about them if someone else knows what they are. But you can’t blame Buchmann; his intentions were good. Blame the flannel wearing, homeless people hugging, Frasier watching 90’s, when all of those glorious ideas were distorted and incorrectly applied to every junker on the road. Why? Because consumerism was skyrocketing and the public needed to be quickly distracted from the fact that the automobile hadn’t really changed in a hundred years.